i'm losing everyone i care about and there's nothing i can do about it.

Look if you're reading this, nothing is specifically about you.

You run away. Not just because of what you've done, but more from the fear of the things you will do if you stay. The damage you know you'll , the pain and the tears that will be result of your own selfish quest for happiness. You try to make it okay where you are but things never seem to work out. So you turn your back and run away, thinking your absence will solve all the problems your presence made.

I believe in fate. That everything, every single little thing happens for a reason. The wrongs and the right, they all shape our future. I believe that no matter how much we might feel regret for the things we do, no matter how sad we may be for the things that happen to us, in the end what happens, happens and there is absolutely nothing anybody can do about it. There's nothing to do but to embrace the change and make the most of what's been served on our plates.

And the worst feeling is loneliness. The feeling you keep to yourself, too afraid to jeopardize the joy felt by those all around you. When you want to scream out but there's nowhere to let yourself go. When the tears flow so constantly, when you feel like packing your bags and leaving, knowing nobody will be there searching for your sad, sorrow face. Loneliness - the worst feeling in the world.

He always knew all the right things to say. In the palm of his hand he had her right where he wanted her. Taking advantage of her he would do nothing but make her cry yet, she would always come back to him. She'd turn around and walk away thinking she'd be so much better off without him but the next day she'd be right where she started. Loving the one guy who was absolutely wrong for her. And there was nothing anyone could do, because she loved him. Love sure is blind.

"Why is it we always fall for the bad boys? The boys we know will only hurt us. Why is it that we choose to be with the wrong ones while the right guys are standing back watching, wondering what the hell we're thinking. Why are we so blind, too busy chasing after the ones so far away to see the ones who are right there, ready to love and take care of us."

I lie awake at night thinking about all that has been and what's to come out of it all. I lay there wondering why we do the things we do. I think about the choices I have made and whether it is I've done the right thing or not. I just get so scared sometimes because it feels like I only ever make the wrong decisions. I always do the wrong thing and say the wrong thing and I always end up getting hurt.

Reaching out for a hand we can't see.

It's funny sometimes, how one small thing can trigger some of the most agonizing feelings, memories, emotions. It's horrible, just when you think you've escaped it all, thrown it away and left it all behind you the feelings creep back up unannounced and turn you upside down and inside out.

Just tell me you feel the same. That we're falling apart. Then tell me, go on and tell me that you don't want to lose me. Because I don't want to lose you. We're so far from each other and all I want is to be within your reach again. I want what we don't have anymore. I still want you.

You can only run away for so long. You can turn your back and pretend like nothing's wrong and life is dandy but it's only a matter of time before it all comes back. Before your past comes back and haunts you. And then you begin to wonder if you deserve to be happy at all, after all that you've done. After all the heartache you caused and the pain you so selfishly brought upon those who never did you wrong.

For what I put you through, for the harsh words and hurtful names I called you..I'm sorry. For being so naive, for not seeing something so so obvious. For pushing you aside and for hurting you, I'm sorry. For accusing you of forcing all this mess on me and for blaming you, when truthfully it was no-one's fault but my very own. I'm sorry.

They say that to cry is a sign of strength, but to me crying shows everyone around you that you are not strong enough to get through the rough times. To me it shows that you cannot control yourself, that your emotions have gotten the better of you. How could falling to your knees in a sobbing mess possibly be a sign of strength? I say stand up tall and hold your head high. Don't you ever let them see you cry. Because it's a sign of weakness and vulnerability, and I can't stand for it. You may be vulnerable right now but you sure as hell aren't weak.

I'm not going to go on saying how much I don't understand why you still feel this way. I'm not going to blame him, not anymore because now I see. Because I know how you feel now, the tables have turned and I in some aspects feel the same as you do. I just hope you don't let this feeling take over your life, your relationship. Because it's not fair on you, weighing yourself down like this.

Running circles in my head.

Ever been torn in two? As if you're not whole anymore, you've lost your smile, your laugh, your own self. And no matter how hard you try, you just can't get back to the way things were before. You can't get yourself back to the person you once were. It tears you in two, the uncertainty of it all.

I tried so hard to dig myself out but I was in too big a hole to escape now. The funny thing is, it's like you always kind of know that you're getting yourself into something that will end badly. There's always this instinctive gut-feeling telling you to stop now, save yourself before you fall too far in to make it out alive. But you never listen. We never listen. We're too content with the way things are going, convinced that everything is finally turning out right and happily ever after is just around the corner. But it's not. It's that belief; that's how we get stuck, broken, alone.

"It's not enough to say you'll be there, you have to stick to your word and be there. You can't just fill people with all these empty promises, you're only ruining it for yourself. Can't you see that it's absolutely killing me? You're hurting me with your hollow words. Since when did you start lying like this? Why can't you just mean what you say, why don't you just say what you mean and forget about sugar-coating everything. Are you really that much of a coward? For fuck's sake, man up."

I am yours completely. I only want to make you happy, to see it through that I live life to its fullest, the way you want me to. To do what's right in your eyes, to never stray from the side where the grass is greener. To strive to be the best person that I can be, because I only ever want to make you proud of me. And I know that you will always be there, when the world turns its back on me. Whenever I feel like I'm alone, I'll always be reminded that I will never be alone. Because I am yours to keep.

"I just need someone to be there when I'm sad as hell. It's times like these, when I'm straining to see, when I feel so alone; I just need someone there to hold my hand and tell me everything's gonna be okay. Because everytime I lose myself, I turn around and I'm alone. You're not there. You're never there, and I need you to be there. Here. Why aren't you here for me? Because hell, I'm losing it again."

Lucid dreaming. Living in your dreams, knowing that you're dreaming, being able to control what you do and what happens around you. Living exactly the life you, well, only dream of.

-----------------------------

comment.

It's when you realise your gain outweighs the pain.

It's times like these. A comfortable silence. Walking hand in hand with the one you love. Everything else disappears, all that's real is here and now. You feel complete. Like nobody else can touch you, nothing could ever come close enough to ruin this. It's times like these, you're on top of the world with someone who means everything to you. Times like these, they're worth keeping in your memory forever.

She never speaks her mind. Always holds it in, though it kills her inside. Because she's so scared of what they'll think of her. Too afraid she'll upset someone. In the end no-one gets hurt; no-one except her. So speak up. Don't be afraid, don't ever be scared to say what's on your mind. Don't keep it inside, because sooner or later it's gonna come out, and then you'll be wishing you'd said what you wanted to back then when it mattered the most.

Because I'm here. Right here, don't ever doubt that. I love you. Every single thing about you. I'm here, every step of the way. Don't be afraid to fall, because if you ever stumble, lose your balance I will always be there, rain or shine, to help pick you up and get you going again. To get you back on track, I will always be right behind you. I promise you I'll be there.

I've been waiting so long, praying for something to come along and sweep me off my feet. And I kept thinking I had it, that I'd found it in someone but then they'd go and leave me on my own. And well, every time that happened a part of me shut off, gave up, let go. And when I just about had enough I found you. Now I understand the things they'd all say. That when you find that someone you come alive, and everyday it's as though your heart's on fire. You give me a reason to believe in love.

"You know that feeling of waiting for someone. I mean really waiting for someone - standing in front of a restaurant in the cold and having hundreds of people pass you on the sidewalk. And you don't want to do anything else, because you're afraid you might miss something - that somehow if you don't spot him right away, he'll walk right by. So you stand there and you don't do anything except think about how you're standing there. Occasionally you might look at your watch, or check your cell phone to see if it's accidentally on silent, even though you already checked for that a minute ago. That's what this is starting to feel like." 

Don't give up, okay? I know you've been hurt, I know how it feels. Believe me, I do. But the feeling will pass. The tears will stop falling. Your heart will heal itself. I promise you it will, so hold on. Don't let go, don't lose hope because I promise you'll find someone who will treat you right the way he never did. Someone who will never ever leave you, the way he did. He'll be worth the wait, so hang in there because I love you and I want you to be happy.

We hold onto each other with the tightest of grips, so afraid that time will run out, that as it does we'll soon be completely out of reach from one other. But it's alright, because no matter what that bond will always be there. We'll always have each other. No matter how many miles, no matter how hard it will be to hold on we'll still be.. us. Because cliche or no cliche, friends are forever. For all of time.

To be truly happy one must accept the circumstances which they live in. You must understand that this is what's been so graciously given to you, things that you could lose in but the blink of an eye. You must accept what you have, what you do not have. And learn to share the things others lack. Like love, hope, words of strength. To be happy one must do everything they can to make sure the people around them are happy aswell. To be happy you must live, and to truly live you must love as much as possible, and be thankful for everything in this world because everything is beautiful and beauty deserves love. And love means happiness, always.

-----------------------------

sorry for disappearing. comment!

xoxox

ps. I have tumblr :)

she's fallen from grace, she's all over the place.

Disclaimer: They don't all relate specifically to me. Like, there are things I am familiar with, things that I write about. Everything I write is a part of my life. About things that have happened, feelings that I have felt, but that's just it - mostly it's the past. Because I believe I've gone through a lot of ..stuff. And well, it's something I don't really want to forget because all the shit I've experienced totally made me who I am now. That or, I write about something I think a lot of people could relate to. People inspire me. So, yeah. Just wanted to make that clear for you, yeah.

Ps. I am losing my touch when it comes to this :/ sorry for fewer updates. and they're pretty all over the place too haha sorry.

think_about_it_photos <3

----------------

Sometimes you need to be alone. Sometimes, you just don't want to be comforted. Because you need the chance to take it in. All that has been, all the pain left behind. The best cure is time on your own to analyze, time to pull yourself together again and time to see that all you ever wanted is now nothing but a fading memory. Time to let it go, and time to start again.

And in the end it all comes down to trust. All you can do, is trust that everything will be alright. That nothing will happen. Sure, maybe she's the most beautiful thing on the planet, maybe you've got nothing on her. But it's you, and the only way to make it out alive is to clear your mind, and let it go. Trust in him. Forget her.

I shouldn't want you anymore, yet I do. I have for so long. Seems like forever I've been sitting here, waiting for you to come riding in on your noble white steed to take me away into the sunset where we live happily ever after. But you know what? Maybe I shouldn't be waiting. I've realised that I've wasted all this time, waiting on you when the truth was I always knew you'd never come. So I'm letting you go. So long, farewell, it's been good. No, actually, it hasn't.

It's not about the big things. The great gestures, the public displays of affection. It's all the small things, pieced together one by one. Like a puzzle, it's no fun unless the pieces are small and the challenge is high. The little things in life are what makes life worth living. Making memories, one step at a time.

I want to be the one you want. The one you need. Your reason for getting up in the morning, rushing breakfast and hurrying about to catch a bus and a train or even a fucking helicopter just to come and see me. I want to know that you are mine and mine only. I want that, just that one thing from you.